Premarital Counseling

Premarital Counseling and Issues to Consider Before Getting Married

Many common problems face couples as they are considering marriage. Some of the more important ones are:

1. Effective Communication
2. Constructive Conflict Resolution – See Conflict Management

The other big concern that often faces soon-to-be-engaged or married couples is commitment issues.

Commitment

Commitment problems and conflict are more prevalent than ever before in our society. In the past it was considered more of a male issue but in recent years it has become much more frequent that women have worries about committing to long-term, permanent relationships.

For the most part people have simultaneous needs for connection and relationship on the one hand and autonomy/independence on the other hand. It is when these conflicting needs paralyze individuals and couples that intervention is needed. This might consist of reading a good book on the issues or seeking help from a counselor who is versed in the intricacies of commitment dilemmas.

If these types of problems are interfering with your relationship you will need to know several things:

1. How to identify the issue as a commitment problem.
2. How to talk constructively about the issue.
3. How to avoid the ‘running hot and cold’ dynamic or the push-pull dance.
4. How to maintain your SELF while have a close, intimate relationship.
5. How to resolve differences so that it is not ‘win-lose’ but ‘win-win’.
6. How to retain important aspects of your life while having a close partnership.
7. What are the underlying fears that drive the fear of commitment (Hint: It is not very much about your partner!)
8. What are some active interventions to help you deal with your fears and to help your partner be patient and understanding.
9. What are the phases that commitment issues go through and how should they be handled at each stage.
10. What are the important do’s and don’ts that the commitment-reluctant person should be aware of and which do’s and don’ts should the partner be mindful of.

These are just some of the interventions that will help manage in a constructive way the myriad of problems that commitment phobias or issues can impose on a relationship.

Without help not only will your current relationship likely not succeed but subsequent relationships will probably follow a similar pattern.

If you are planning to get married, you should learn about commitment issues, how to resolve them and work with your partner to enjoy and prepare for a long lasting life together that you can nurture.

Remember: Commitment issues seem all about your partner but are usually not solely about your partner but about YOU!